Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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