You're a womanizer and a bitch.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
