I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
