Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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