he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
