Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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