I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
