i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
