So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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