Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
