Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
