Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
