I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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