I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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