there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
