We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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