Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
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I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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