"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
