wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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