i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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