nut hugger
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
he fucked my hip out of place.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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