i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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