Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
