Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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