im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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