im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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