I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
