I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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