You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
