i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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