i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
