Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i think i have two assholes
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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