five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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