Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
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I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕