Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
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Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
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I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.