Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.