How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
