Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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