Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
