Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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