Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
