I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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