I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
