So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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