my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
