i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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