he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
