i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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