4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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