toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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