Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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