i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
